The thing about balance
I’ve always been told that I take dreams (in my case nightmares) way too seriously and I give them far more credit than they deserve. But I guess that’s how it is when you keep having them every night. Or do you keep having them because of the extra credit? Oh those vicious circles. Either way, the night after my former boyfriend decided to part ways with me I had this awkward nightmare. We were sitting in this beautiful garden, mid-summer sun in the pale blue sky, flowers everywhere and everything was amazing. And we were just sitting there talking crap until he decided to give me the bad news. Bu the funny part is that he just grabbed my hand, looked into my eyes and said “You will have to write about this. Because you are a writer and that is what you do”.
Then I woke up being a little bit wtf-ed about the whole thing. Plus the pressure. Being a blogger does not equal being a writer but thanks false pal from my nightmare…
So then I started wondering about this whole writing thing and how we always manage to find some external thingie to hide our feelings in (or just literally smash them in). For some it’s music, for some it might be a drunk party where you literally drown dem feelings, some go to extreme sports thinking the box sack is their ex and so on. And I always found myself grateful for having writing as my pal. I don’t always turn to writing but when I do, it must mean shit hit the fan (I should change that and start writing about the good experiences too, not to self).
Where the hell is my freaking balance?
Either way, to get to the point of it, dem feelings and dat balance. I’ve spent a lot of my young adult years trying to find that inner balance those freaking Tibetan monks claim to have. And trust me, it involved reading a shitload of books, having a super balanced diet, going regularly to the gym, giving up smoking, giving up drinking, giving up toxic relations, getting enough sun, enough nature time and you know this whole blabla. And living your life by the book is not an easy task as it might seem. Especially if your previous life was a bit of a nasty chaos (wink, wink).
I don’t have the patience to wait for my patience
I always thought what I lacked most about this whole balance package was patience. I am not and never have been much of a patience junkie. Waiting in line? No thanks. Waiting for someone who doesn’t show up on time? Consider yourself dead. Waiting for my food to be ready? You get my point. Waiting is not my finest trait… and I always imagined those super zen people just staying in some complex yoga pose for hours and not being driven mad by their own thoughts and not having their limbs just fall asleep underneath them and all. Don’t get me wrong. I tried yoga. I read a lot about yoga and about Buddhism. And it made an awful lot of sense at that time. I remember having a yoga teacher friend back in Finland who gave me this amazing book about yoga poses but with a twist (How Yoga Works – a book that I warmly recommend to anyone interested in yoga and Buddhist lifestyle). And just reading the book I was thinking to myself “wow I got shit wrong all this time”. And unfortunately, sorry for the spoiler but patience is a huge element in this whole balance situation.
Don’t look back in anger
The next thing I was never a master of was letting go. I mean, don’t get me wrong, things don’t always go my way (just 99.9% of the cases). But when they don’t, oh boy, hell breaks loose. And there was this super cute Irish proverb “Not my circus not my monkeys” that just kind of stuck in my brain on repeat. And you have to admit, it makes sense. Most of the times we worry about stuff we have absolutely no control over. What if I get the job? What if my boyfriend leaves me? What if the apocalypse comes tomorrow and I have no clean underwear? You get my point. And letting go seems like such an easy task. People constantly told me this. Failed exam? Just let it go, there will be another chance. Bad interview? Just let go, there are other jobs. Did relationship go to shit? There are plenty of fish in the sea. Now besides the fact that I am not much of a swimmer to all the people out there who just easily say “just let it go”: thank you for this amazingly thoughtful advice. If letting go was that easy I would’ve done it already. However, the point is that letting go plays an important role in the balance matter. I end up many times worrying and being sad over stuff that are no longer in my power to change. There was this book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” that had a few great ideas, for anyone interested in a super chill and light reading filled with great ideas.
Woopsie, where did my balance go?
So shortly, where the hell does this balance trick come from and how the hell can we get there? I will not deny it, the most zen I have ever been in my whole life was while I was being single and trying to fix myself after all sort of unpleasant events. And cheesy as it might sound, working on ourselves if (unfortunately) a constant business. The thing is, actually achieving a sort of balance is not the trick. It takes a wee bit of work, put your lil butt and brain to work and you will see changes (with, erm, patience). The real question is how the f*ck can you keep that balance?
Say, you are all zen and everything is working out just fine. And even if not everything is working out as you wish, you no longer have f*cks to give about matters you can’t control. You are in a good spot mentally speaking. And then bam something happens. You lose your job, you lose a friend, someone close to you dies, you get sick, you get dumped. All sort of external factors that influence that zen little space of your mind. And the sad truth is that no matter how much we try to avoid these “disturbing factors”, they will always come one way or another. So how to cope with them and keep the good balance around?
Well, that’s a great question, I am looking for suggestions. Kidding. In my humble opinion, if our little balance is scattered so easily, was it ever really there? Or better said, if we can achieve the true balance (the one everyone is advertising), can it come down to pieces so easily? I believe deep down everyone has distressing topics, bits of existence that touch sensitive points and poof our zen away, even if we keep them well hidden in our subconscious.
Conclusions? Well, not much pals, hold on to your zen and as the advice from Cinderella goes “have courage and be kind”. And if life sucks, hang in there because oh boy can it suck so much more…