The curse of being right (and not being proven otherwise)
Hey guys, long time no hear, I guess life has a strange way of silencing people every once in a while. This post is not going to be much about any sort of a journey but more like an internal one, call it introspection, call it post break-up rage or just call it an “I’ve had enough” moment.
I suppose many of you have gone through break-ups. Most of you, except you out there who are the break-uppers. Maybe some experienced dramatic divorces after long years of a fruitful relation that went astray. Maybe some experienced a momentary lapse that felt like heaven and then fell right back to reality land. I am not saying the two instances are comparable, neither in grief, nor in reactions, consequences and so on. However, the pain, the post-break-up moment of “wtf” is just as real for each one of us. The only question remaining is the attitude adopted afterwards.
Break-up styles for dummies
I for one prefer total silence. Radio silence. You are dead to me. Not because I hate my exes. But because any sort of conversation post break-up is just too painful and too emotional, and at the same time useless. Especially since I am always drawn to asking shit, questioning shit. If I were to talk to an ex post-break-up, it wouldn’t even be a break-up per se, and it would just be constant nagging and venting. “But how did we end up here?” “But remember that magic moment we had 100 years ago that once in a lifetime event when we went in the park and actually managed through 2 hours without fighting?”. Stuff like that. Purpose? None. Emotional damage? Call my shrink. However, apparently, most people prefer the opposite, what I like to call, the non-break-up style, meaning you do break up, break each others’ hearts and then be besties. Is this possible? Is that a heaven like utopia?
Erase my memory like a man in black
The next bad thing about break-ups are the memories. Duh. And I’ve noticed throughout the years and having gone through a series of unsuccessful relationships (no judging) that memories are the real bitches. Do you ever catch yourself recollecting that oh so dear memory of you two together in that super special holiday that you took to X (insert any foreign country)? And do you remember how amazing that was? And how awesome it was just the two of you and so much fun and blabla. You will never have that again with anyone ever. Sure fact: that was it and nobody can ever make you THAT happy. But lemme ask you this. If you try like real real hard to recollect that very joyous uber special holiday, can you remember how much you argued before for instance, where to go? Who pays for the holiday? Which hotel do you stay in? What’s the itinerary going to be? And then you finally made it there and you want one day to relax by the pool but he wants to go sightseeing. And since you’re a modern couple each does whatever he pleases and then you end up alone by the pool wondering if he goes out sightseeing and ends up bumping into an affair. Again. And then you have a huge fight and you cry and you know? Hypothetical situation but nothing is perfect so don’t tell me you could actually book a full-length holiday and live it through without one fight.
So, all in all, we remember the best and make our exes look like these Greek gods who were in fact just flawed human beings, like everyone else. Don’t get fooled in the jolly memory roller-coaster cuz you’re gonna lose each time.
The curse of “I knew it”
And the final thing, which finalllly marks my title of this uber venting post, what’s about the curse of constantly being right? Did it ever happen to you to spot some red flags early on in a relationship and then just basically talk yourself into doing it anyway? Two red flags I have been avoiding recently (because one does not simply make a mistake once but at least twice) is falling for committed people. People who were single in theory but at a practical level still very much involved with their former partners. And both swore there was absolutely nothing going on and I was merely being mental about the whole thing. And what‘s the tendency? You know deep down you are right and things are going to fall off the cliff eventually (along with your energy and feelings) but you do it anyway. And what happens in the end? Bingo! You were right all along. So what do we do with this curse of being right? Most of my sane people would say “spot the red flags from the start and run”. And I’d normally agree with them but what if the temptation is too big? What if you actually wish, deep deep down to be proven wrong?
Build them walls like no Trojan horse could come in
Thing is, after a few failures we all build walls of one sort or another. Most of the walls I encountered are masked under certain types: “no commitment” type, always sarcastic type, I love my dog more than I’d ever love you type and finally my type, the “I’m too fucked up and scared to be scarred once again”. Either way, walls are walls. So what do we do about them? Is this whole curse of being right merely a mechanism to consolidate the already existing walls, by looking for situations that are bound to fail before they even begin? Or is the curse basically a deep down unicorn dream wishing that someone maybe will eventually prove to be prince charming?
Finally, some last words of wisdom, from the other side of the curse. Don’t beat yourself up banging your head against the wall saying “Fuck me, I was right all along, how could I be such a moron?” Yes, you were, yes you knew, but man does it feel good to hope even if just for a little second? I know it doesn’t matter much once it all went to hell and most of us just wish we could rewrite the whole story and leave at the first red flag. The question is, are we going to next time? Or are we going to fall back the same old trap of temptation hoping this time it will be different (although knowing it ain’t gonna be).
And since all the break-up songs are a wee bit too lousy and cheesy, I’mma leave you with this awesome woman who got it right: what matters most at the end of the day is respect. And when the other person doesn’t respect you, you gotta hold your own hand and whisper yourself “I will respect myself this time”.